The Unholy Alliance
by Lyssie Len
Summary: The summer after the events of Twilight, Bella is getting to know Edward and his family and makes a startling discovery. Maybe you can bet against Alice after all. In 1985 Alice bet against Edward and Rosalie. She lost.
1. Curiosity Killed The Cat

**Disclaimer: The Twilight Series characters and world belong to Stephenie Meyer. Who is not me.**

**This is a humor fic, and I've worked to keep the characters from going OOC, but feel free to suspend disbelief at your leisure.**

**Thank you to my wonderful beta, Ledybug, who made sure everything makes sense and doesn't offend the English language. Any errors that remain are entirely my own.**

**Also, any onions neglected in the making of this fic were compensated for their sacrifice.**

* * *

Chapter One: Curiosity Killed The Cat

In Forks, 'summer' was a bit of a misnomer.

At the start of summer break in Phoenix, Bella could expect hot days, humid nights and to spend every moment outdoors. On day one of her first summer in Forks, she was rained in at the Cullen house, making her own fun by going through Edward's things.

Edward had gone into town to pick her up some much needed nourishment, and with the rest of the family out hunting, Bella was completely alone.

Therefore she wasn't as embarrassed as she might have been when the first drawer she opened contained Edward's underwear.

"Boxers man, good to know." Face flaming, Bella shut the drawer and moved on.

She hummed to herself as she continued her search. In her opinion, she was completely justified in her endeavor. Edward had spent months sneaking into her bedroom at night to listen to her talk in her sleep. Surely he wouldn't begrudge her one afternoon of going through everything he owned?

"What on earth does a vampire need fifteen pairs of sunglasses for?" Bella picked up a pair and examined them. Designer, of course, and they probably cost more than the contents of her savings account. She slipped them on and looked in the mirror. They were far too big. Sliding the glasses up so they were perched on the top of her head, Bella turned to eye the closet.

If she was lucky, he would still have clothes from decades past, and Bella could laugh like she did every time she saw old pictures of her parents in the seventies.

Upon swinging the doors open, it became obvious that Edward was not entirely in charge of this part of his domain.

The proof was in the post-it notes. They were scattered all over the inside of the doors and even attached to items of clothing that were hanging up. Edward did not seem to own any clothing in very bright colors, but there were plenty of pink and orange post-it notes to make up for it. On them, Alice wrote directions about which shirts matched which pants, and that if Edward even thought about pairing up the designer Marc Jacobs button-down shirt with his Henleys hoodie ever again, she would redress him herself.

There was a large pile of colorful paper crumpled up on the floor of the closet, and some of those that remained even had little replies scribbled on them in Edward's flowing script.

_Alice,_ one read, _stay out of my closet._

In another, he was clearly perplexed. _I have no idea who John Wye is, but I assure you I will not be accessorizing anything with his belts. _

They had even carried out an entire argument along the sleeve of a leather jacket. The topic appeared to be on whether a motorcycle would go well with it.

Edward had the final say with, _A motorcycle wouldn't fit in my closet anyway, Alice. _

With a grin, Bella grabbed the pen that one of them had stuck to the door of the closet with an adhesive and scribbled her own reply. _The motorcycle can go in the garage._

Clearly, Bella would have to step up her efforts to keep Alice from invading her closet if even _Edward_ fought daily battles with her.

Recapping the pen, Bella returned it to its rightful place and closed the closet doors. Eager to see what other secrets Edward's room contained, Bella took a good look around for something of interest. A flash of brown caught her eye. Bella walked over to Edward's desk and leaned down to peek under it. Pressed hard against the wall was a cardboard box. She fished under the desk, snagging the edge of the box and pulling it out.

_Jackpot!_

A dozen or so photo albums were sitting in the box, gathering dust, when they would be far more useful in Bella's hands. She sat down on the plush carpet and picked up the first album.

There had to be something embarrassing in one of them.

* * *

A dozen photo albums and not a single photo contained Edward being anything other than his calm, unruffled self. Maybe it was impossible for him to lose his composure. Maybe he was the anti-Bella.

With a sigh, Bella flipped back to have another look at her favorites.

"What are you doing?"

She started in surprise, fumbling with the photo album. She turned to glare at Edward in reproach. He had appeared behind her silently, as he often did. Bella was almost one hundred percent sure that he did it purposefully. She was uncertain if it was the look on her face or the sound of her hammering heartbeat that was so amusing, but while he kept his face carefully blank, he had trouble concealing his bright eyes, sparkling in amusement.

Huffing exasperatedly, Bella turned back to the album. She knew it would be futile to try and call Edward out on his behavior. He was maddeningly good at pretending to be ignorant. He crouched down beside her on his bedroom floor, cocking his head and waiting for her to answer.

"I'm looking for embarrassing photos of you," she finally admitted, when one of his fingers poked her interrogatively in the side. "And where's my food, mister?"

"It's down in the kitchen waiting patiently for you to devour it." Edward shifted until he was sitting beside her, long legs stretched out, propping himself up on his arms. "Have you had any luck?"

Bella shot him a pointed look. "What do you think? These are your albums."

Edward hummed in wordless agreement, leaning to one side so he could rest his chin on her shoulder and look at the album in her hands. "You'll only find some amusing shots of Emmett in there. He couldn't care less about being embarrassed – he's completely shameless. Most humiliating photos get burned after a few years. It's hard to keep vigilant of your blackmail material when you're hoarding several decades' worth."

Bella turned beseeching eyes on him. "So there are no embarrassing pictures? Not even one?"

"Those that remain are in Carlisle's possession," Edward replied, frowning a bit. "None of us have any idea where he keeps them. How he's managed to thwart me and Alice both is anyone's guess. They could be in a safety deposit box in Switzerland for all we know."

Defeated, Bella flipped some pages and slipped her favorite picture out of the album. "Can I have this?"

Edward glanced at it and nodded. "Of course. Why that one?"

The photo had been taken fairly recently, downstairs in the living room. In it, Edward and Emmett were playing 'Rock, Paper, Scissors'. Unsurprisingly, poor Emmett was looking vexed, while Edward had a wide smirk across his face as his paper beat Emmett's rock. "I just find it amusing that Emmett is getting so upset when playing a _mind reader._"

"He tried Alice afterwards," Edward informed her, lips quirking. "Then he put the two of us against each other."

"What happened?" Bella asked curiously.

"Nothing." Edward reached over her shoulder and flipped the page. He tapped one long finger against a photo of him and Alice staring at each other. "We never got as far as actually deciding what were going to use."

Edward's gaze suddenly shifted to the door. Bella turned to see Rosalie standing in the doorway, with her wet hair pulled into a messy bun and somehow managing to make automotive overalls stylish. They were a devilish shade of red, and were unzipped far lower than was probably practical. She was still stunning, as if the look was carefully engineered for the catwalk instead of the garage.

"You're back early," Edward noted.

Bella sat quietly, idly running her fingers through the gold carpet. Rosalie intimidated her. It was always apparent that the blonde vampire thought her unwelcome in their family.

"I left as soon as I could – too much mud. The rain is really starting to set in." Rosalie entered the room completely and curled up on the black couch across from them. "Besides, I wanted to work on the BMW without Emmett around to distract me."

Bella often wondered to herself what drew Emmett and Rosalie together. One thing that was quickly becoming apparent was that they shared a unique way of imbruing a word with innuendo without altering their tone of voice at all.

"Want some help?" Edward offered, startling Bella a bit. She had never heard Edward speak more than a few terse sentences to Rosalie when she was around – she was under the impression that they didn't get along very well.

Rosalie nodded. "Yes, thank you."

Edward jumped gracefully to his feet and held a hand down to help Bella up. "You can wait for Alice downstairs if you want - she shouldn't be much longer - or you can come down to the garage with us, although it won't be very interesting."

The look Rosalie gave her made Bella's mind up quickly. "I'll wait for Alice. You have about a hundred channels on that flat screen downstairs, I'm sure I'll find something." She didn't really mind waiting for Alice – the smallest member of the Cullen family was quickly becoming her second favorite, especially since she had helped so much while Bella was still wearing the cast after the incident in Phoenix.

She followed Edward and Rosalie downstairs, grabbing the takeout Edward had left for her in the kitchen, while they continued out to the garage. She then settled herself on the couch in the living room, turning the television on and quickly got lost in the wonders of the Discovery channel.

* * *

It was 'Shark Week' on the Discovery channel. Bella watched in horrified fascination as a Great White ripped apart a hapless seal, the water around the carcass turning a deep red. The program was _supposed _to be on shark reproduction, but so far Bella had yet to see one cute baby shark, only feeding frenzy after feeding frenzy. She almost hoped the idiot in the shark cage got what was coming to him – he clearly had no idea how to make a proper documentary. She chuckled somewhat inappropriately when a huge (apparently pregnant) Great White slammed itself against the bars of the cage, causing it to violently lurch to the side.

She was so engrossed that she didn't notice the return of Edward's family until they were already inside. Bella glanced around to say hello and found Esme reprimanding a blood-splattered Emmett about his _table manners. _

"Hey there, Bella!" Emmett grinned at her before escaping upstairs. Esme shook her head long-sufferingly. The fact that most mothers only needed to spend a little while teaching table manners to their kids, Bella understood completely Esme's exasperation after 70 years of drilling them into Emmett.

"Good hunting?" Bella asked, as Alice leapt over the back of the couch to sit next to her.

Alice nodded, smiling at Jasper as he sat in a nearby chair. Bella suspected that her presence made him uncomfortable – Jasper never came too close to her.

What sounded like a herd of elephants parading down the stairs turned out to be Emmett returning in clean clothing. The fact that he was a supernatural being who could move silently seemed completely lost on him. He spread his arms wide and gave Esme a wide grin. "Happy?"

"Ecstatic," Esme responded dryly, before nodding to them all and heading upstairs.

Emmett flopped into a chair near Bella, grabbing the remote and changing the channel. "As amazing as shark reproduction is, I'd rather watch something a bit more exciting."

'Exciting' turned out to be the sports channels – Emmett couldn't settle on one so he flipped through all of them. Bella figured that vampire brains must process information faster than humans, because the speeds he was changing the channels at made her feel like she would have a seizure any minute now. She was starting to miss 'cage' guy.

As Jasper began arguing with Emmett about what sport to watch, Alice turned to Bella and inquired curiously, "Where's Edward? It's not like him to leave you all alone."

"-Because everyone knows I can't be trusted," Bella replied sarcastically, before shrugging. "He's with Rosalie. It was weird actually, seeing them get along."

Bella wasn't sure how they did it, but the vampires around her went quiet and managed to somehow make the room feel eerily silent even with the television blaring in the background. Bella glanced uneasily from one inscrutable face to the next, wondering if she had unintentionally done something to provoke them into eating her. "What?"

Emmett was starting to look a little horrified. "Rose and Edward were _getting along_? How well?"

"I don't know," Bella replied, growing more confused by the second. "He offered to help her with the car and she said thank you."

All three vampires sighed in unison. If Bella wasn't completely freaked out she would have laughed and asked if they had coordinated it.

"He's helping with the car, that's fine." Alice looked like she had survived a brush with death. Emmett and Jasper didn't look much better.

"What is wrong with you all?" Bella asked. "You're acting like I announced the coming of the Antichrist or something."

"Close enough," Emmett said, unnerved. "Rose and Edward getting along for an extended period is a harbinger of doom, destruction and possibly the apocalypse."

"Really?" Bella replied doubtfully, to humor him.

Emmett's face turned dark. Without his normal grin and dimples, he truly was an imposing figure. While it normally might have frightened her, the ridiculous topic of conversation kept Bella from taking him too seriously. He seemed to sense her levity, because he frowned and shook his head at her. "Don't laugh, Bella. Those were dark times for our family, dark times!"

Bemused, Bella turned inquiringly to Alice, who was – to her great surprise – nodding along with Emmett. "Why on earth do you all fear Edward and Rosalie being civil? What happened?"

Alice took a deep breath and announced in a voice full of reverence and prophecy, "It all started with a bet."

_Of course, _Bella thought, rolling her eyes. _Everything in the Cullen family starts with a bet._

"Don't scoff," Alice warned. "This bet went down in Cullen family history."

Emmett nodded in agreement. Even Jasper looked completely serious. Bella wondered if Edward's reluctance for her to spend large amounts of time around his siblings didn't stem from fear that she would be eaten, but rather fear she would be driven away by their insanity.

"So…" Bella began slowly, once she was sure they weren't suddenly going to start laughing at her gullibility. "What was so special about this bet?"

Emmett answered in a hushed voice, "In 1985 Alice made a bet. She lost. It's the only time she has ever lost a bet – Rose and Edward are a force of evil."

Bella half-expected some dramatic music to start playing in the background at Emmett's announcement. She had been around the Cullens long enough to know one of the family truths, 'never bet against Alice', but it was just a little bit ridiculous for Emmett to act like a child who just found out Santa Claus wasn't real.

Alice looked irritable. "I only lost because I teamed up with you and Jasper, Emmett."

"You're supposed to be psychic," Emmett replied, in what sounded like a long-standing argument.

"My inner eye was clouded due to your interference," Alice said sarcastically. "You two wouldn't know a good bet if it bit you on the ass!"

Emmett and Jasper wore identical looks of offense. The last thing Bella wanted was to get in the middle of a family argument, so while they were distracted she quietly stood and crept to the front door. She glanced behind her at the last second to see Jasper give her a wave, a small smirk on his face, while Alice and Emmett continued to argue.

_Yeah, well I got the better of you in Phoenix, buddy! _Bella thought, before opening the front door and heading towards the garage to find Edward.

* * *

Edward and Rosalie were bent over the engine of Rosalie's red BMW, tinkering with God knows what. It had something to do with oil, because they were smeared in the stuff. Once again, Rosalie managed to look like the black smudges on her face were artfully arranged. Edward glanced up as Bella approached. From the way he frowned in concern, Bella suspected she looked a little freaked out. "Hey."

"Hello," Edward replied. "Is something wrong?"

Bella rolled her eyes, trying to downplay how wrong-footed she felt. "Your siblings are a little weird."

"You only just noticed?" Edward asked drolly, briefly turning back to the car to help Rosalie adjust something small, metal and adjustable, before looking back at her. "What did they do?"

Blushing, Bella glanced nervously at Rosalie, who appeared to be paying absolutely no attention. She knew better. Rosalie would probably hear everything Bella said even if she whispered in Edward's ear. "They were talking about a bet – which Alice lost to you two. Emmett called you guys a force of evil."

To Bella's complete shock, Edward gave an undignified snort and Rosalie giggled a bit. She was rapidly beginning to wonder if she was stuck in the Twilight Zone.

"They're just sore losers," Edward finally said, after collecting himself. His lips were twitching in amusement. "There was a bet. They lost. We won. Yes, we may have been a bit _enthusiastic_, but we were hardly the axis of evil."

Bella was far more ready to believe the others had a bad case of sour grapes than Edward and Rosalie being friendly was a sign of the impending apocalypse. "I thought it would be something like that."

Edward smiled and turned his attention back to the car.

Bella watched them for a bit, before glancing at her watch and realizing that she would need to get home and start dinner for Charlie. She was glad that she had insisted on driving the truck over today. "I'm going to head off now, okay? Make dinner for Charlie and have some father-daughter time. You'll come by later?"

Edward looked up and nodded. "Of course. I can come with you now if you would like?"

That would make her feel far too much like the girl who didn't let her boyfriend have a life outside of her if she did that – even if she wanted to. Bella shook her head. "No, it's fine. I wouldn't want to drag you away from the car. I'll see you tonight."

Bella was ready to forget the strange conversation in the living room had ever happened, but as she was leaving the garage she glanced back and saw Edward and Rosalie smirking at each other. A chill went down her spine. They shared an uncanny resemblance to a pair of sharks – that smiled right before they ate you. Shaking her head at her own reaction, Bella hurried out. Clearly she had been spooked by Alice and Emmett's over-dramatization. And the Discovery Channel.

As she hurried from the garage to her truck, Carlisle's shiny black Mercedes peeled up the driveway and slowed to park in front of the garage doors. Bella waved at Carlisle as he climbed out of the vehicle. "Hi, Carlisle."

"Good evening, Bella." Carlisle smiled at her warmly, and Bella couldn't help but grin. Despite his youthful appearance, Carlisle really did have such a fatherly presence. "How was your day?"

"Um, it was fine," Bella replied. _Except for the part where all your children went insane._

Like all good fathers, Carlisle seemed to have a sixth sense when details were being left out. He gave her a concerned look. "Are you alright, Bella? You seem a bit perturbed."

Blushing, Bella shook her head, lowering her eyes to the ground so she didn't have to meet his all-knowing gaze. For some reason, lying to Carlisle seemed more morally wrong than lying to her own father.

Carlisle made a thoughtful noise. "Did my children behave themselves?"

The sarcastic Bella wanted to say 'No, they were horrible monsters and I want a bonus before I even consider babysitting again'. The rational, mature Bella decided this was unwise because lightning would probably strike her down should she ever mouth off to Carlisle Cullen, who had probably never had a mean thought in his entire life.

And it was a very long life.

"They just told me about a certain bet that Alice lost," Bella finally said, sticking to as little detail as possible. If the bet wasn't a big deal, as Edward claimed, then surely Carlisle wouldn't know about it, and therefore wouldn't find out that such a silly thing had Bella absolutely freaked out.

"Ah." Bella looked up to see Carlisle's face smooth out, like she had answered all of his questions. "The great Rosalie-Edward alliance of 1985 – no wonder you look so out of sorts."

Clearly, Bella and Edward had severely different views of what 'not a big deal' meant. "You know? I mean – what exactly happened?"

Carlisle sighed, leaning back against the Mercedes and crossing his arms. Bella was amused to note that if she took a photo she could probably sell it to a magazine to advertise Mercedes. "It was a bet that spiraled quickly out of control. Not their most shining moment."

"Emmet said when you put Edward and Rosalie together, they are a force of evil," Bella said, hoping he would give her details. She was fast becoming quite curious about this event that had caused such strange behavior in the Cullens.

Carlisle shook his head in fond exasperation. "While Edward and Rosalie did behave badly, they do not suddenly turn evil the moment they're together. They just have a bad influence on each other."

He sounded as if he was speaking of young children who couldn't control themselves. Bella was beginning to suspect that Edward's dismissal of the bet as not important was actually an attempt to keep her from finding out embarrassing things about him.

"Thanks, Carlisle." Bella smiled, hoping that he was reassured that she was no longer 'perturbed'. Thankfully, he just nodded and headed inside, bidding her goodnight as he went.

Bella climbed into her truck, deciding to corner Edward for details when he came over later that night.

The sudden opening of her passenger side door caused her to jump in fright, dropping her keys to the floor. She turned to glare at the small vampire who hopped inside. It was just one vampire after another today.

Alice beamed, ignoring her ire, and leaned down to grab the keys for her. "I'm accompanying you home. It's been a while since I've seen Charlie."

"You saw him two days ago." No doubt Edward was uncomfortable with the idea of her driving home alone, and had asked Alice to chaperone her. A deer could run onto the road and no doubt Bella would find some way to ensure the worst case scenario. It was sad that Edward's overprotective tendencies had factual support. Her defense of her self-sufficiency would go so much better if he didn't have one hundred and one reasons to disagree.

"Two days is a long time," Alice said mournfully, passing the keys over and then clutching her hands to her chest dramatically. "I pine for him to the very depths of my still heart."

"Yeah? Are you going to be my new Mommy?" Bella started the truck and put it into gear, smiling a bit as Alice laughed. It felt good to have people appreciate her jokes. In Phoenix, Renee had been the only one who ever had, as Bella had never had a lot of close friends she was comfortable joking around with.

Bella began the drive down the Cullens' long driveway, pleased to be going her own pace and not Edward's hectic one. He drove with the assumption that speed limits were for lesser beings. Beside her, Alice went suspiciously silent. She remained that way the entire ride home, not saying a word until they were inside the house and greeting Charlie.

Bella left the two of them to catch up on some alone time and headed into the kitchen to start dinner. Cooking was never a chore for her. It made her feel accomplished and relaxed – she had plenty of time to think.

Alice reappeared as she began chopping up the vegetables. Bella watched from the corner of her eye as Alice sat at the kitchen table. She was back to being eerily silent. Bella waited a few minutes, finishing with the tomatoes and getting some onions out, before she decided to speak. "Is something wrong?"

"I confess," Alice replied. "I didn't really come here to see Charlie."

"I gathered that," Bella said dryly. She was starting to get a little worried about the real reason for Alice's presence. She didn't bother trying to hide it when Edward asked her to come around. "Why are you really here, then?"

"I had a vision." Bella could always tell when the Cullens were really nervous of otherwise out of sorts. Instead of human gestures, like fidgeting, their act fell away and they became still. Alice looked like a statue with a movable mouth. It was a little disturbing. Bella could feel her heart-rate increasing. "I saw that you weren't going to stop interrogating us about the bet."

Bella blinked. "Huh?"

She felt a bit like she would if she were watching a horror movie, sitting in anticipation as the tension built, the camera slowly panning around to reveal the monster, music building to a crescendo, and – a kitten is revealed. A bit like having the rug pulled out from under her – Bella actually knew from experience that it was rather painful, and she had the added embarrassment of having somehow managed to pull the rug out from under _herself._

Alice maintained her serious expression, even as Bella waited for her to laugh at the joke she had just fallen for. It was mildly distressing when she didn't. "I thought I would try to head you off before you confronted Edward. The last thing we want is you two fighting over something so insignificant."

The vampire at her kitchen table looked as if butter wouldn't melt in her mouth. Bella, still standing at the kitchen counter feeling as if the earth was tilting sideways and sending her falling into some bizarre parallel universe, had wits enough to realize that Alice had ulterior motives. Her intuition was flashing a giant neon sign, reading 'Liar!' Even if Bella was hesitant to move, just in case that damned rug came out for under her again, she still had her brain. Whether it was enough against one hundred year old vampire wits was another thing entirely.

It was quickly becoming obvious that the events of the so-called 'Rosalie-Edward Alliance' were something the younger Cullens were quite happy for her to know absolutely nothing about. If Bella were a math person, she would've started calculating the percentage chances that the reason was due to embarrassment. Even without math, Bella knew it would be high. _A sure bet. Ha. _

Her interest was even more piqued. Alice's intervention had exactly the opposite effect than she had intended.

She seemed to notice this. "I'm serious, Bella. There is absolutely nothing that interesting about it."

_Yeah, sure – and I'm a graceful ballerina. _

"If it isn't that interesting, then why can't _you _tell me about it so I don't need to bother Edward?"

"I will," Alice replied, nodding decisively. Bella figured she would be getting a heavily edited version of events, but at least then she would have some idea of where to start asking Edward. "Where do you want me to begin?"

"How about you explain how you of all people lost a bet?" Bella grinned. It felt nice to know that even Alice was fallible.

"I told you, Jasper and Emmett negatively affected the outcome," Alice replied grumpily, before sighing in defeat. "I'll admit that we were overconfident. We had too much faith in my ability and not enough in Edward and Rosalie's combined stubbornness."

The onions that Bella was supposed to be cutting were abandoned on the counter. Bella was practically jumping up and down in impatience. Curiosity was gnawing at her brain like a squirrel on an acorn and she was hearing all these hints of interesting things, but no one was going into detail. "Can't you be a little more specific?"

Alice frowned, refusing to look her in the eyes. "It's not exactly a bright spot in the family history. We discovered a lot about each other that we were probably happier not knowing."

"Like what?" Bella turned back to the neglected onions, hoping if she acted casual Alice wouldn't feel pressured and would keep talking.

"Do you know that it's possible to make Carlisle lose his temper?"

_Screw casual._ Bella spun around to see if Alice was joking. She certainly didn't look it. "I didn't know he even had a temper."

Alice shrugged. "Neither did we."

The amount of aggravation they must have put him through…Bella absolutely needed to know what had happened.

Reading the enthusiasm on her face, Alice's face fell as she realized she hadn't managed to warn her away from the topic. "I don't think you understand, Bella. Things were very tense at home. It's not some funny anecdote like the time we lost Edward at Disneyland."

"You lost Edward at Disneyland?" Bella asked incredulously. How do you lose a seventeen year old at Disneyland? More importantly, how does a family of _vampires_ lose a seventeen year old at Disneyland? Imagining Edward at Disneyland was difficult enough – the most she managed was picturing him giving Mickey Mouse a withering look.

Alice waved a hand dismissively. "Maybe not lost – temporarily misplaced. It's a long story. But that was funny. This was – actually now that I think about it, it probably would be funny to an outsider."

"So, you'll tell me?" Bella asked eagerly.

Alice laughed. "Oh no! It may be funny to you, but no one else wants to relive it. Besides, it would take days to go through it all."

"Really? How long did this bet go on for?" Bella frowned.

"For a couple of months," Alice replied. Her posture was relaxed now, hard angles smoothed out to make her look like a lounging predator after a large meal, instead of a bristling one preparing for a fight. "Although the bet was mostly forgotten in favor of the prank war."

"Prank war?" Bella echoed. Oh, this just got better and better.

Alice shook her head, standing from the table to leave. "You'll just have to wait and grill Edward. I can see you won't let it go. Just promise me you'll still respect us once you know everything."

"Alice, please." They had spent enough time together now for Alice to realize how silly the idea of Bella holding anyone else's embarrassing moments against them was. She had enough to full a couple of novels.

"I'll leave you to finish dinner then," Alice said, smiling and hugging Bella before leaving the kitchen. A second later, she popped her head back around the doorway to give Bella a bewildered look. "Bella? Just because it's summer, it doesn't mean you need sunglasses yet. Those are far too big for you, anyway."

Alice disappeared again before Bella even had time to open her mouth to respond. Blushing, she reached a hand up to feel the top of her head. Sure enough, Edward's sunglasses remained perched up there like the proverbial bit of toilet paper stuck to her shoe. She slipped them off and shoved them in her pocket, making a mental note to put them back in their rightful place tomorrow.

Breathing a deep sigh, Bella turned back to the poor onions, resolved to actually finish with them this time.

"Sorry guys, I got a bit distracted…"

* * *

When Edward arrived later that evening, Bella was waiting, ready to pounce. There was no way she was letting him weasel his way out of telling her everything, not when Alice had teased her with details like pranks wars.

Edward took one look at her face after climbing in the window and sighed in a resigned fashion. Alice had probably told him of Bella's resolve to broach the subject. He didn't look happy about it.

But she _was_ resolved. She was prepared to play dirty to get what she wanted. "So, you got lost at Disneyland?" Bella asked slyly, as Edward slid into the rocking chair.

He closed his eyes briefly. "I'm going to kill Alice. And I was not lost. They just had no idea where I was."

"I'm sure that's the argument most five year olds find successful," Bella replied consolingly, even as she grinned at him. Finally she knew something that made the infinite amount of dirt he had on her easier to bear.

Edward rolled his eyes.

"So, I'm sure Alice told you what I wanted to know," Bella said, when Edward refused to speak first. She sat on the edge of her bed and regarded him with eager eyes.

"It's not really that interesting," Edward insisted. "I'm not sure why you seem so convinced that it was such a big deal."

"Yeah?" Bella regarded him skeptically. "Well, apparently Carlisle has a temper buried underneath all that compassion – and you guys managed to reach it. How is that not a big deal?"

Edward still looked reluctant. "It's not that interesting," he repeated. "Besides, with Carlisle – temper is relative. It's mostly embarrassing."

"You are talking to the Queen of embarrassment," Bella replied, undaunted. "What's so wrong about evening the score?"

Bella could see him begin to waver. His eyes, which had been staring at a fixed point past her shoulder, shifted to meet her gaze. Encouraged, she left the edge of the bed and kneeled at his feet, placing her chin on his knee and looking up at him with pleading eyes. "If you tell me, I'll never, ever ask about the story behind you getting lost at Disneyland."

Sacrifices had to be made for the sake of negotiations.

Edward finally cracked a smile, shaking his head and pulling her up to sit in his lap. He let out a quiet sigh. "Fine, you have a deal."

Bella mostly resisted the urge to do a victory dance. She may have wiggled her legs a bit, but she would deny it if Edward ever brought it up. She settled herself comfortably against his chest and turned to look at him. "Well, let's start with how this bet came about."

Edward nodded. "It was early October, during our third year in Colchester, Vermont. Rosalie, Alice and I were juniors that time around, and Emmett and Jasper were seniors. It was a pretty typical day – Rose and I were fighting."

"What about?"

Edward shrugged. "Do we ever need a reason?"

"No wonder they made that bet," Bella muttered, smiling at the mock affronted look Edward gave her. "Sorry, I'll stop interrupting."

Bella leaned her head against his shoulder as he began to speak.

"That year Rosalie and I were in the same American History class," Edward recalled. "Putting us in the same class is always a bad idea, but even Carlisle couldn't get the teacher to swap one of us out - she was a horrid old woman called Mrs Sharpe. I suppose in a way you could say that the entire situation was her fault…"

Edward's smooth voice was very good for storytelling. Bella just hoped it was a good one. She was giving up the Disneyland anecdote for this.

* * *

****

I know very little about clothing. I'm sorry if you feel a Marc Jacobs button-down would go well with a Henleys hoodie.

Also, the documentary Bella watches does not exist. I'm sure any documentaries on shark reproduction are actually very well done.

That is all.


	2. Keep Thy Enemy Closer

**Disclaimer: In the time since I submitted the previous chapter, I have not suddenly become Stephenie Meyer or otherwise obtained the rights to Twilight. I continue to play in her sandbox, and kick down her sandcastles in glee.**

**And now we have Edward's POV, which is less hilarity and more snark. Because Edward doesn't do silly things like neglect onions. Thanks to Ledybug for betaing and Alisa for encouragement.**

_

* * *

_

_Bella leaned her head against his shoulder as he began to speak._

"_That year Rosalie and I were in the same American History class," Edward recalled. "Putting us in the same class is always a bad idea, but even Carlisle couldn't get the teacher to swap one of us out - she was a horrid old woman called Mrs Sharpe. I suppose in a way you could say that the entire situation was her fault…" _

_Edward's smooth voice was very good for storytelling. Bella just hoped it was a good one. She was giving up the Disneyland anecdote for this. _

**Chapter Two: Keep Thy Enemy Close**

_October 7__th__, 1985_

Mrs. Sharpe was a singularly unpleasant woman.

She was a short, skeletal little woman, with a shock of short, curly white hair. Her lips were always pressed into a straight thin line, and the only time they displayed an ability to move was when she spoke. She walked amongst the students as they did their work, leaning over shoulders and glaring with dark beady eyes, striking her ruler on the edge of desks to frighten and get students' attention.

Her students always remained in tense silence. She did not invite questions, and it was a very naïve person who thought that asking for clarification on any point would get them a positive result. Mrs. Sharpe was of the opinion that if you didn't understand it the first time, or couldn't look it up yourself, you should not be in her class.

She also reserved a special kind of hate for the Cullen siblings; the only five students in the school who always received perfect marks and never seemed affected by her presence. Therefore, Edward was not surprised when Mrs. Sharpe,in the midst of assigning partners for their project, looked at him with glee that was out of place on her normally stern face.

"Cullen and…" Edward grimaced. She may have paused for dramatic effect, but he could hear the end of her sentence in her mind as clearly as if she had spoken aloud. "…Hale."

Rosalie abruptly stood, her chair scraping against the floor as it was shoved away. "No. That's unacceptable. Change it."

The entire population of Colchester High School knew very well that Rosalie and Edward were not the closest of siblings.

It was certainly obvious in Mrs. Sharpe's class, where they sat on opposite sides of the classroom and occasionally shot glares at each other for seemingly no reason. They tended to make the students between them feel like they were in perpetual No Man's Land. The shaky and unnerved children who emerged from Mrs Adams' sixth period American History class could only attribute some of their stress to the intimidating teacher. The rest was the fault of the two youngest Cullen siblings, who spent most of the period conducting cross-classroom arguments in voices that human hearing was unable to perceive.

The girl sitting beside Rosalie shifted away, silently fearing that sitting too close would associate her with a mad woman. Edward had to stop himself from smiling. Should Rosalie look his way, he would no doubt be assaulted with a mental barrage of her ire.

Edward wasn't sure how she did it, but Rosalie could aggravate him like no other. Sometimes his self-control saved him and he could ignore her entirely, be the bigger person. Sometimes he would make a sarcastic comment and they could banter semi-civilly. Unfortunately, usually Edward was unable to keep from responding to her provocation, and whatever restraint he possessed was completely forgotten in favor of having the last word. Generally, the only time he and Rosalie could have a friendly conversation was if the subject involved a lot of horsepower.

It was almost as if when they were together their collective maturity level went through a complicated equation with the result being in the negative integers. Every day after their one shared class, Edward would look back over the hour and cringe inwardly at his appalling behavior. It was disgraceful, lowering himself to the maturity level of the children they shared the class with. Every day he resolved not to let her thoughts and whispered comments get to him, but by the time the class rolled around again, his maturity once again deserted him, leaving him hissing at his sister across the room and scaring half the class to death.

"Miss Hale, you have exactly five seconds to retake your seat, or you can go and have this argument with the Principal instead." Mrs. Sharpe waited, one eyebrow raised, until Rosalie slowly sat back down, jaw clenched. "You and Mr. Cullen are partners. Should this arrangement be unsatisfactory for you, you can accept a failing grade."

Rosalie's eyes blazed, but she remained silent. Edward could tell from her expression that as far as Rosalie was concerned, the argument was far from over.

Edward sighed. And now they were forced to work together. Joy.

* * *

Rosalie was sitting opposite him on the couch, contemplating homicide.

Edward remained silent, watching as Rosalie imagined how she would go about removing their loathsome American History teacher from the face of the fingers clenched and unclenched compulsively as she thought out exactly how she would perform the deed. Logistically, her plan was solid; no one would ever trace it back to her. Of course, Rosalie had experience with murder for vengeance, and she was nothing if not competent. Still…

"Getting back to the matter at hand?" Edward waved his textbook for emphasis.

Rosalie sneered. "Oh, please. You know you were thinking about it as well."

She was not entirely wrong. Edward did not contemplate the act himself, but he probably would have chosen to turn a blind eye should Rosalie have done the stupid thing anddecided to actually go through with it. He and his first sibling had something of an understanding when it came to pre-meditated murder. He would not condone it, but it would be supremely hypocritical of him to chide Rosalie when they both knew he had done worse things.

Really, Mrs. Sharpe was incredibly lucky that Edward and Rosalie had far too much respect for Carlisle to ever disappoint him by murdering their teacher for such a petty reason. Besides, murderers though they were, neither of them had yet reached the level of depravity required to be comfortable killing someone just for being irritating.

God only knew that if he had, several of his siblings would probably be long gone by now.

"I can't believe that woman," Rosalie muttered, scowling at her textbook, as if it had personally offended her.

Edward sighed. "Would you just be quiet? I want to get this over with."

She threw the book at him. Edward let it bounce harmlessly off his chest and hit the floor. Neither of them bothered to retrieve it. Since they had arrived home from school and settled in the living room, objects had frequently been sent flying across the room in a display of their annoyance at each other and the situation. One of Edward's pens had even ricocheted off the side of Rosalie's head and hit one of Esme's favorite picture frames, sending it to the floor before even vampire speed could save it.

The evidence was currently hidden at the bottom of Edward's closet, and the plan was to deny all knowledge and pretend they hadn't even noticed that it was missing.

If that failed they were fully prepared to throw Emmett to the sharks and blame him. He caused so much property damage in the past that he probably wouldn't even notice that this time it wasn't actually his fault.

Of course, Rosalie'splan was originally to let Edward take the blame, but he had reminded her of the time in 1934 when she had destroyed one of Carlisle's medical journals and Edward had helped her dispose of the evidence and give her an alibi.

Carlisle still didn't know what happened to that book.

"I still think we should refuse to do it." Rosalie huffed, glaring at his textbook in lieu of her own.

"They'll call Carlisle and Esme in," Edward replied, as he had _every time she mentioned it._

"What is your problem?" Rosalie demanded. Their voices were quickly escalating in volume as their frustration with each other grew. Usually one of them would have stormed off by now, but by necessity they were required to ride out their arguments until their tempers were once more in check.

"My problem is the fact that you're too thick-headed to understand me the last four times I gave you the exact same answer!"

Rosalie leaped over to his side of the couch, grabbed his textbook out of his hands and hit him over the head with it. Edward blinked at her in momentary shock; even his gift had not seen that one coming. Then his expression twisted as his temper finally caught up with him.

With a snarl, he pulled the book from her grasp and chucked it behind him with one hand and shoved her away with the other. He was sick of having objects thrown at or otherwise used as weapons against him.

As soon as he had the chance, he was going to set her favorite dress on fire. _Maturity, thy name is Edward. _

The textbook, which wasthrown with all the force an irate vampire couldmuster, travelled across the room at high velocity, reaching the front door just as it opened to let in his siblings.

Jasper seemed more than mildly surprised to be greeted home by a textbook to the face. He watched dispassionately as it fell to the floor, before his eyes shifted up to the two of them, sitting on the couch watching in guilty silence. "Who threw that?"

Rosalie pointed at him, and Edward returned the favor. Emmett may have been the strongest, but it was his oldest brother, with years of military experience behind him, who often managed to outmaneuver Edward when they wrestled, even despite his mind reading.

He wouldn't hit a girl though, so Edward did not feel particularly guilty for lying.

The tension was broken when Emmet walked in behind Jasper, laughing and leaning down to pick up the book. "What the hell have you two been doing? Carlisle's going to be home soon and he hates it when you two fight, not to mention what you've done to Esme's house."

"Not house," Edward corrected. "The damage has been contained to the living room. Besides, there's plenty of time to clean it before either of them get back."

Carlisle worked at the Fletcher Ann Hospital of Vermont, down in Burlington, while Esme was currently in Claremont, Virginia, visiting a private gallery. She wasn't due home until the next day. There was more than enough time to 'dispose of the evidence', as it were.

"Sure," Emmett replied doubtfully, moving to point out the empty bit of wall that had once contained Esme's picture frame; an incredibly old, incredibly valuable item. "How will you explain that?"

Edward glanced at Rosalie, and she met his gaze briefly before they turned back to Emmett.

"I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Complete mystery to me."

Emmett shook his head. "You two are unbelievable."

"You couldn't look guiltier if you tried," Jasper added**, **as if it were their expressions rather than their emotions he was reading.

The last of Edward's siblings chose that moment to burst into the house like a very small hurricane, stopping in front of Emmett and grinning at him triumphantly. "Guess what's top at the Box Office?"

"Damn it!" Emmett dug around in his pockets, handing over what looked like several hundred dollars. "I thought for sure _Jagged Edge_ would be top."

Alice shook her head. "_Commando_ all the way – I don't even need my visions to know that!"

It was a weekly ritual for Alice and Emmett to bet on which movie would come out on top of the Box Office after the weekend. They had been doing it for years, and Emmett had yet to win even once. Why he even bothered anymore was something that Edward was never going to understand.

Jasper patted Emmett sympathetically on the shoulder. "You're just bad at making sensible bets. Don't bother unless you're more or less sure of the outcome."

"What's the point of betting if you already know?" Emmett complained. "That's like betting that Rose and Edward are never going to get along."

"Excuse me?" Rose asked icily, raising an eyebrow. Edward sighed, settling in to watch the inevitable conflict. Rosalie didn't like any perceived insult, true or not. How Emmett, her husband of almost fifty years, managed to constantly forget this and end up on the wrong side of her was yet another thing Edward did not understand about his brother. In fact, the list of things he _did_ understand about Emmett was probably a far shorter list.

Emmett laughed and reclined casually in the armchair next to Rosalie's side of the couch. "Rose, mice will settle on the moon before you and Edward become buddies."

Rosalie narrowed her eyes. "What are you talking about? We get along fine."

There was mass hysteria amongst his siblings – Jasper even doubled over – at this pronouncement. Edward probably would have joined them if he weren't one half of the reason for their amusement.

Shaking his head, Jasper moved to sit with Alice on the other couch. They had to get rid of a pad of paper and Rosalie's binder before they could sit. "Do you live in the same reality as us?"

Rosalie remained obstinate. "We get along fine when we work on the cars."

"That's the only time!" Alice laughed. "I bet it's impossible for you two to get along continuously for more than a few hours at a time."

"Really?" Rosalie's eyes glinted dangerously. "Are your _visions_ telling you this?"

Alice seemed unbothered by Rosalie's growing fury and the danger it posed to her continued health. Edward should know – he hadn't irritated Rosalie half as much, and she had beaten him over the head with a textbook. "I don't need the visions. It's common sense, and I have yet to lose a bet, visions or not."

"Fine!" Rosalie folded her arms across her chest defiantly and glared at their sister. "We accept your bet!"

Edward frowned. He'd been hoping to stay out of this. "We do?"

Rosalie nodded decisively, not bothering to even spare him a glance. He was feeling the love already. "You three against Edward and me."

Jasper and Emmett exchanged quick looks and nodded. "We're in."

"Wonderful." Rosalie smiled. It was not a pleasant smile. Edward was sure that his siblings had no idea of the menace they had just unleashed.

Alice grinned, excited at the prospect of a new bet. If she got any more enthusiastic, Edward was going to sign her up for Gamblers Anonymous. "How long should this last? Two weeks?"

Rosalie threw her head back and laughed as if it were the funniest thing she had ever heard. In Edward's opinion, she sounded like a deranged hyena. "That's easy! How about…indefinitely?"

"Pardon?" Jasper asked incredulously. _That's insane…_

Edward shot him a glare. His siblings really did think so little of their ability to let bygones be bygones. Honestly, he and Rosalie weren't _that _bad.

"We will get along –" Rosalie leaned over and slipped her arm around Edward's shoulders, pointing between them, before turning the gesture around on the others. "– until you three admit defeat."

"It'll never happen," Emmett said without delay, wincing at the look his wife gave him for his lack of faith. Edward continued to be astounded by Emmett's complete mastery of the art of putting his foot in his mouth.

"We'll see," Edward replied, deciding to throw in his lot withRosalie rather than spend the next decade being ridiculed for his inability to play nice with his sister.

"How much are we putting on this?" Alice asked curiously. She was shifting thought futures, trying to see when the bet would end. Edward made the conscious decision to end the bet, win or lose, in a week. Alice glared at him for obscuring her sight, and he smirked at her in response.

"This is for pride," Rosalie said, patting Edward companionably on the shoulder after noticing his silent exchange with Alice. Edward would be lying if he said he was completely comfortable with all the close contact. He half expected her to suddenly try and eviscerate him. "Oh, and Emmett?"

"Yeah, Rose?" Emmett looked at his smirking wife warily. He finally seemed to sense that she wasn't completely happy with him. Edward wondered if Emmett's obliviousness to her temper was part of the reason he was able to put up with her.

Rosalie grinned like a cat that had just caught both canary and goldfish. "Since you're so convinced that your wife is such as shrew that she's incapable of getting along with her _beloved _little brother…I'm cutting you off."

"Huh?" Emmett responded, uncomprehendingly.

"No sex," Rosalie stated. "At all, until you admit defeat."

"I give up," Emmett said immediately.

"– all three of you," Rosalie finished, smiling in satisfaction. "Enjoy."

It took all of Edward's willpower not to start laughing at the look of abject horror on his brother's face. Laughing while Emmett was in that sort of mood was like provoking the grizzly bears he was so fond of.

Rosalie waved dismissively at the three. "Now get out, we've got an assignment to finish."

* * *

Getting the assignment done turned out to be a lot easier now that they were forced to get along. Mrs. Sharpe, however, was still on Edward's blacklist. He was sure that the bet was entirely her fault. If only they hadn't had to work together, then maybe they wouldn't have fought, then maybe Emmett wouldn't have made the joke, and then maybe he and Rosalie wouldn't have to get along _indefinitely. _

It was a lot of maybes, to be sure, but Edward did not think that the odious Mrs Sharpe particularly deserved the benefit of the doubt.

It wasn't long after they had begun to work in tense silence that the engine of Carlisle's Jaguar could be heard approaching the house. They reacted quickly, and in a few seconds the living room looked exactly as it had that morning. Well, exactly the same except for the spot on the wall that had contained Esme's picture frame.

As the door of the car slammed closed and Carlisle's shoes crunched on the gravel drive, Edward and Rosalie took their places quietly on the couch, working on their assignment once more. There was nothing at all strange for their father to come home to.

Except for the three idiots crouched on the second floor landing, watching intently for any sign of an impending confrontation. It was actually a bit insulting that they didn't think he and Rosalie could last even half an hour. He could expect that sort of behavior from Emmett or Alice, but Jasper was usually far more sensible.

Edward looked up when Carlisle opened the front door, entering the house and hanging up his scarf and coat as he did every day. The oldest Cullen paused when he noticed the three conspicuous vampires on the landing. Edward smirked at the perplexed look that briefly crossed his father's face. Carlisle slowly continued into the living room, eyebrows raised curiously."Is something going on?"

His reply was silence – the Three Stooges upstairs dispersed – and Edward shared a look with Rosalie. Should they tell Carlisle about the most recent manifestation of Cullen competitiveness?

_No._ Rosalie's mind was made up, not that Edward disagreed. The entire situation was embarrassing enough without Carlisle around to laugh at them.

"We were paired up for a class project," Edward explained. He hoped he sounded somewhat convincing – casual and offhand – and not completely guilty. Lying to Carlisle was nearly impossible for him to do. He found it easier if he didn't meet Carlisle's eyes, but that also broadcasted quite clearly to his father that he was hiding something. "The others are a bit amazed that we've not started fighting yet."

Carlisle leaned over the back of the couch, glancing at their work. He looked skeptical. "You're keeping secrets." Carlisle didn't voice the well-known fact that this was generally not a good thing.

Rosalie looked up from her book, fixing Carlisle with a calm, unruffled look. "Everything he said was the truth." _Technically. _

"Technically," Carlisle unknowingly repeated. He shrugged and straightened up, but continued to regard them with curious eyes.

Edward met Rosalie's shocked gaze. Apparently he wasn't the only one who couldn't pull one over their father.

Carlisle observed them for a moment, as they saton either end of the couch with guilty expressions, and frowned. "Should I be worried?"

It was safer not to speak, so they shook their heads. Carlisle smiled in amusement. He thought they looked cute. Edward made a face, and Carlisle's smile widened. _Eavesdroppers don't always like what they hear, son._

He gave them one last searching look and then started for the stairs. Edward's shoulders dropped in relief and Rosalie slowly let out a deep breath – only for them both to tense again when Carlisle turned at the last second, one foot on the bottom stair. "You know, it's good that you two are being so mature about this assignment."

Edward rolled his eyes."Yes, _Dad_ - we're big kids now." He decided not to mention the half-hour they spent arguing with Mrs. Sharpe after class, attempting to get different partners. Or the fact that they had been fighting like dogs not an hour earlier.

Unfortunately, Carlisle did not seem particularly amused by his sarcasm. "Oh, yes? Do you big kids want to tell me what happened to Esme's picture frame?"

"What picture frame?" They answered together, immediately, voices full of innocence and confusion. Or at least as much innocence as was possible for two murderers.

"I'm having flashbacks to an eerily similar conversation about one of my medical journals." Carlisle sighed and rubbed at his forehead in a parody of human exhaustion. Perhaps they were giving him a headache. "Please replace it before Esme gets home, all right?"

"Yes, Carlisle," they replied once more in unison, the very image of obedient children. This time Carlisle laughed and went upstairs. Edward could hear him mutter 'what picture frame?' exasperatedly to himself as he entered his study.

Once they heard the flipping of pages that signaled Carlisle had become engrossed in a book, Rosalie huffed out a breath. "I swear his gift must be detecting when we've broken something. He didn't even look at the wall."

Edward glanced at the wall in question. He had seen much harder 'spot the difference' puzzles, truthfully. "Do you think we can replace it by tomorrow?"

Rosalie gave him a look that suggested he was a particularly stupid breed of slug.

Thinking of Esme's probable reaction made Edward inwardly cringe. He hated upsetting her, and he knew that she had gone to a lot of trouble to procure that frame."Maybe we can repair it?"

"Stick it back together with superglue?" Rosalie suggested sarcastically. "That only works for cute little five year olds who don't know any better."

"I meant getting it repaired properly." Although the thought of Esme's reaction to them doing that_, _maybe coupled with a little note – _We're sorry, Mommy. We love you – _almost made him want to try it.

"We'll figure it out later," Rosalie said, waving a hand dismissively and going back to the assignment.

Considering they had less than twenty-four hours to get the frame replaced or fixed before Esme returned home, Edward hoped that Rosalie's definition of 'later' was the dictionary definition of 'soon'. He really didn't want to sit through one of Carlisle's lectures on responsibility and acceptable behavior. They generally boiled down to Carlisle talking at them for several hours, either oblivious to – or secretly enjoying – their unmitigated boredom.

Edward leaned back against the arm of the couch and regarded his sister thoughtfully. "If we want to win this bet, you need to stop speaking to me like that."

"Like what?" Rosalie asked distractedly, paying him a minimum amount of attention.

"Like you want to add an expletive onto the end of everything you say to me."

Rosalie looked up, expression cold. With concentrated effort, she managed to bite her tongue on the first thing to come to mind – Edward heard it anyway – and held out a hand silently. Edward regarded it warily, as if at any moment she might leap across the couch and claw him with her nails. She rolled her eyes at his hesitance. "I agree, but _you_ need to stop speaking so condescendingly to me."

Edward reached out and shook her hand. They released the hold quickly and Edward was embarrassed to note that they probably looked somewhat like two children shaking their hands and yelling about cooties.

"I'm sure I speak condescendingly to everyone," Edward commented. What he meant was that he spoke to everyone the same, and wasn't condescending, but he wasn't about to argue semantics with Rosalie so soon after their tentative truce. Sometimes it was just necessary to take the high road with her, because she was as tenacious as a cat resisting a bath, and twice as painful.

"I don't care how you speak to others, be as condescending as you like."

The Three Musketeers were back on the landing, watching this historical moment in Cullen family history as if it were a deeply enthralling movie. Edward did his best to ignore them. Rosalie kept giving them sideways glances that suggested she was two seconds away from storming up there and removing their eyeballs with her teeth.

"You are such a good example to me, big sister." Edward realized that this probably fell into the 'condescending' – or at the very least 'sarcastic' – category and added, to soften the effect and freak out the second floor Trio of Voyeurs: "I love you."

He was sure the sound of Emmett falling down the stairs in shock could be heard for miles.

* * *

**Mrs. Sharpe is not based on any real teacher. Except the ruler hitting thing. That one my old high school science teacher did - one time he broke a meter long ruler. The look on his face was priceless.**

**And yes, Commando was top of the box office that particular weekend in 1985. I looked it up. It is also a psychic shout-out to Alisa, she knows why.**

**Carlisle is driving a Jaguar XJ Series III.**

**Next chapter we return to the POV of happy, quirky Bella.**


	3. No Cure For Curiosity

**Disclaimer: Surprising as it may sound, I have still not suddenly transformed into Stephenie Meyer. Thus, her world and creations are still not mine. I am merely playing in her dollhouse, and promise not to cut the hair off her barbie dolls.**

**Thanks to Ledybug for the beta, and Alisa for all her help. **

* * *

"_You are such a good example to me, big sister." Edward realized that this probably fell into the 'condescending' – or at the very least 'sarcastic' – category and added, to soften the effect and freak out the second floor Trio of Voyeurs: "I love you." _

_He was sure the sound of Emmett falling down the stairs in shock could be heard for miles. _

Chapter Three: No Cure for Curiosity

_June, 2005 – Present Day_

Edward weaved an expert tale that had Bella listening in rapturous silence, her entire concentration focused on the words flowing from his mouth like they were a message from the heavens.

She then began interrogating him on everything he said, picking it apart like they were in English class dissecting the work of some poor novelist, who probably never envisioned their art would be misconstrued and slaughtered by teenagers who didn't care about anything more than a shiny red letter 'A'.

"So, you just…decided to get along?" Bella could imagine that. Both Edward and Rosalie seemed like the sort of people who could do whatever they wanted just by force of will alone.

"It wasn't as easy as that. There were, of course, times when I couldhave cheerfully pushed her off a cliff."

Was it wrong that Bella found that mental image so amusing?

"So, what happened?" Bella demanded, when Edward remained silent instead of indulging her and sating her rampant curiosity.

"Aren't you tired? It's past one in the morning."

Well, yes, but that was not the point. "It's summer, Edward. No one expects me to have a normal sleep cycle when I don't have to get up in the morning. During summer, mornings cease to exist."

"You must be tired," Edward finally decided, ignoring her reasonable and sound arguments. He lifted her from his lap and moved her to the bed. Bella reluctantly got under the covers, and then glared at him when he refused to join her.

"Edward, you promised you'd tell me." Bella refused to believe that she was whining. She did not whine. She…cajoled plaintively.

"Technically the word 'promise' never came out of my mouth," Edward replied. "You exchanged the Disneyland story for the bet, and I told you about the bet. Deal done."

"No. You didn't finish telling me about the bet! Have you learned nothing in a century of English class? A story has a beginning, middle and an end. Along the way tension builds and somewhere near the ending there's a climax and we haven't gotten anywhere near a climax. I want a climax, damn it!"

Edward's lips twitched and Bella stared in bewildered silence as a smile broke through his careful composure and he started to snicker at her.

She watched, her face expressionless, as he utterly failed to regain his composure. "I'm not sure I understand the hilarity of the situation, Edward."

"I'm sorry," he replied, still chuckling a bit. "That was very immature of me."

"That doesn't help me with my complete lack of understanding," Bella replied. "I couldn't understand any less than what I do right now. Please…elaborate."

His lips were still twitching. He was _laughing_ at her. "It was just…a double entendre."

Oh. What did he - _oh._ Bella closed her eyes, her face burning in mortification. "Oh my God, you're such a _boy._"

"I apologize, I'll try to switch genders as quickly as possible," he replied, voice heavily tinged with sarcasm.

Bella took a deep breath and opened her eyes. He was still smirking at her. She narrowed her eyes at him. "You haven't distracted me, you know. We had a deal."

"You wanted to know about the bet, and I told you about the bet." Edward backed away from the bed, closing in on the window. Bella wondered if he was contemplating making a quick getaway.

It wouldn't work. She knew where he lived. "I want to know the whole story, Edward. You've finished with the beginning, now please move on to the middle. This is how you tell a story, you see. Please stop being difficult."

"Please stop sounding like my mother," Edward returned, sounding disgruntled. No doubt he was annoyed that she was winning the argument – which she was. He was going to give in to her persistence and superior arguments. It was inevitable. _Damn it, Edward – give in to the inevitability! _

"Maybe I should call your mother and ask _her_ about this bet," Bella said contemplatively, tapping a finger against her bottom lip. "Oh! And she'll probably know all about Disneyland as well."

"You cunning fiend," Edward said, looking impressed. "Alright, fine. I can appreciate good blackmail. What do you want to hear next?"

Bella paused her preening over his _appreciation._ "How'd the bet progress?"

"Rosalie and I got along, Alice and the others couldn't handle not winning so they tried to sabotage us and make us fight. We figured it out and retaliated. A prank war ensued. We won the bet. The others live in fear of us joining forces to destroy their souls or whatever ridiculous notions they've filled your head with. The end – goodnight. I'll be back once you're asleep."

Then he was gone. Bella was left sitting in bed, staring at her window and wondering how she'd ended up losing when she was so close, _so close,_ to winning.

"Edward, come back – I don't want the Reader's Digest version!"

***

It took an embarrassing amount of time for Bella to realize that the events of the previous day had not been a bizarre dream. She laughed from the bedroom to the shower, giggled as she dressed, and chuckled all the way through breakfast, only to almost choke on her spoon when her brain finally kicked into gear.

On the other side of the kitchen table, Charlie was staring at her in bemusement, his own breakfast forgotten. "You okay, Bells?"

Bella fixed her gaze on the carton of milk between them as if it was the most interesting carton of milk she had ever seen. She wondered if her face was as red as it felt. "Yeah, Dad. I'm fine. Just remembering a funny dream."

Charlie shrugged. "All right, if you say so."

"Why aren't you fishing this weekend?" Bella asked, seeking some topic of conversation that would not end with her humiliation.

"I'm heading over to Billy's later," Charlie replied, checking his watch reflexively. "You'll be at the Cullens' place, then?"

Bella nodded and shoved a spoonful of cereal into her mouth to stop from saying something rude. It was better to ignore the thinly veiled disapproval in Charlie's voice whenever he talked about anything that related to Edward. Her father was still under the impression that Edward had caused her abrupt flight to Phoenix. He would get over it eventually, and it wasn't like Edward was particularly bothered by Charlie's anger. He even found some of her father's thoughts downright amusing.

She finished her cereal in silence, avoiding Charlie's gaze, and then began collecting the dishes.

Charlie cleared his throat, his posture hunching over slightly. Bella returned to contemplating the milk carton again. Charlie would be broaching a difficult subject. She braced herself for the full force of his fatherly concern.

"You shouldn't spend all your time with Edward, Bella. Spend some time with your other friends; your life shouldn't revolve around some boy." Bella glanced up to see Charlie's face tighten, as he awaited the full rage that one offended teenage daughter could unleash.

Bella was happy to disappoint. "I'm not seeing Edward today, Dad."

"Huh?" Charlie shook his head and raised one finger up to halt any further earth-shattering announcements. "Wait, what?"

Clearly, Bella had lost him a few pages back. "I'm hanging out with Alice today. Edward and Carlisle have gone somewhere…hiking or something."

'Hiking or something' was hunting – Carlisle and Edward had missed out the day before when the rest of the Cullens had gone. Carlisle had the day off from the hospital and they were making a trip of it. Bella had listened in morbid fascination as Edward had told her about the places (and animals) they planned to visit like one would talk about what they would sample at a buffet. He'd told her all this after rescuing her from being stuck in the tree outside her bedroom window like a helpless kitten. Bella had been attempting to sneak out and pry the proper story out of him after he'd left. Unsurprisingly, it had not worked.

"Oh." Charlie didn't seem to know what to do now that the wind had been unceremoniously let out of his sails. "Well – good."

Bella nodded firmly, and a little mockingly, in agreement. "Right on, Dad."

Charlie narrowed his eyes a bit. Perhaps she had been a bit obvious. "Have fun with Alice, she's a sweet kid."

Bella interrupted before he could launch into a diatribe on all the ways Alice was superior to Edward. Honestly, you'd think Charlie was advocating for her to swap in the Cullen sibling she was currently dating for the better model. "I know. You love Alice. Your soul pines for her presence in your life. You can't stand to be apart. I get it. Don't worry – she feels the same."

Charlie frowned. "I wouldn't go that far."

Bella smiled and stood to take their plates over to the sink. "I'm joking. I'm glad you like Alice. I just wish you wouldn't be so hard on Edward. It wasn't his fault that I went temporarily insane, ran off to Phoenix, and then proceeded to fall down several flights of stairs and out a window. That's classic Bella."

There was a tense silence as she began washing the dishes. Charlie did not like it when the 'Phoenix Incident' was mentioned. Mostly he tried to pretend it never happened, apart from his resulting dislike of Edward, which he happily cultivated like a beloved houseplant.

Bella sighed, turning around to apologize for even bringing it up. Charlie met her eyes, and his own softened at whatever he saw there.

"I'm sorry, Bella. I can't help but be protective. You're my girl."

She couldn't help but smile, even as her cheeks started to flame. "I know, Dad. Thanks for caring. Maybe just tone it down a little?"

Charlie let out a breath and nodded long-sufferingly. "I can't promise I'll be friendly, but I'll try not to bother you too much, okay?"

Bella nodded. "Deal."

Charlie would probably forget that their conversation had ever happened the next time he saw Edward, but it was nice to know he could pretend to be reasonable.

"So…" Charlie trailed off, fishing for some way to restart their awkward conversation. "Do Edward and his dad go hiking a lot?"

Bella shrugged. "I guess. If they're even hiking– all I know is they're doing something outdoorsy that involves a lot of mud, nature, and exercise." _And blood_.

Charlie gave a grunt of acknowledgement. He turned his eyes on her again in that nervous manner that made Bella's stomach sink in apprehension. "It's good that they do stuff together. Dr. Cullen must get stressed working at the hospital."

Bella could believe that. How many times could you flash your wedding ring at persistent nurses before you felt like announcing over the loudspeaker: 'I'm married – deal with it'?

She chose not to reply, instead waiting for the bomb to drop.

"We should go fishing together."

And there it was.

_Oh God, no. _Bella winced, closing her eyes and wishing fervently that she had let him continue his normal ranting against Edward. _Anything but this._

She tapped her heels together and muttered, "There's no place like home."

Bella was unsurprised to open her eyes and find herself still in the kitchen with Charlie watching her, brows creased.

"What do you think, Bells?"

_Quick! A distraction! _Bella glanced wildly around for something – anything – to drag Charlie's attention away from the subject of fishing and her in the same context. _Where's a squeaky toy when you need one?_

"Ah – oh! Look at the time!" Bella rushed around the kitchen, almost dropping the dishes she was attempting to put away at record speed. "Alice is expecting me. We'll talk later, okay?"

If Charlie found it odd that Bella was leaving the house up to her elbows in soap suds, he didn't have a chance to say anything about it.

***

"Please?"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Pretty please?"

Alice sighed and turned around to give her a hard stare. "On what planet does adding the adjective 'pretty' actually have any influence on someone's decision on whether or not they're going to change their mind?"

"This one?" Bella asked hopefully.

With a frustrated growl, Alice turned on her heel and walked off. Bella followed along behind her.

Since arriving at the Cullen house, Bella had spent her time trailing after Alice like a forlorn, persistent, and clumsy duckling. Alice had spent her time trying to escape, as if Bella was a particularly ugly and stupid duckling that Alice, being a beautiful swan, wanted absolutely nothing to do with.

Emmett and Jasper had spent the first five minutes watching the phenomenon of the 'Bella Duckling' curiously, before vacating the house to go and wrestle outside while they had the chance. Esme, Bella's first choice to interrogate, had chosen today of all days to find some pressing reason to go to Seattle.

No doubt Edward had something to do with it.

"Alice? Alice, please!"

"Bella, you're driving me _insane."_ It did look like Bella was having a somewhat negative impact on Alice's mental health. Her eyes were certainly very wide, wild and had a strange gleam in them that Bella really did not want to think about right now.

"Give up, then. Surely, your visions must be telling you I'm not going to stop," Bella said reasonably, although even to her own ears she ended up sounding eager and whiny.

"No, you will eventually." Alice sighed. "I'm just wondering if I'll be able to manage listening to this for another three hours."

Three hours? Bella had been underestimating her own willpower. Maybe she could even stretch it to four…

Alice winced. "Oh God, I give up."

"Oh good, I'm glad."

"You're certainly something," Alice muttered. She waved one hand, gesturing for Bella to lead the way. "Let's take this to my room."

Bella hurried eagerly to Alice's room, settling herself down almost as soon as she was in the door. She turned her full attention on Alice, staring at her with wide, keen eyes as the vampire entered behind her. Alice seemed a bit disconcerted to find Bella sitting on the floor just inside the doorway, when she had a perfectly good bed only a few feet away.

"You're like a toddler at story time." Alice shook her head exasperatedly. "I sure hope this all lives up to your expectations. God only knows what ideas you've got running around in your mind about what we got up to."

There had been an insult buried somewhere in that, Bella was sure of it. "Alice, please. I've been waiting for this all day. The next thing out of your mouth better be relevant or so help me God –"

"Fine!" Alice flopped down opposite her, so they were sitting close together on the floor of her room, knees touching. "What did Edward get up to?"

"Emmett fell down the stairs."

Alice grinned. "Oh yeah, that was funny."

They giggled together for a moment.

"Edward didn't get very far, did he?" Alice mused. "He must have been trying to draw it out."

"He's a very good storyteller," Bella replied, sensing that Alice was being critical of her boyfriend.

Alice was less than impressed. "Bella, he was trying to keep from getting too far into the story. Good storytelling has nothing to do with it. He's left me with all the gory details. How typical."

"So, spill!" Bella had never before felt more like a teenage girl than she did right at that moment. "Edward said you couldn't handle not winning a bet, so you tried to sabotage them."

Just as Bella had predicted, Alice's eyes blazed with righteous fury. Maybe Bella was better at this whole 'underhanded' thing than she thought she was.

"Did he really?" Alice's voice was a low hiss. "Well, that's –that's pretty accurate, yes."

Bella blinked. "You just cheated?"

Alice looked a bit blank. "Yes, of course. What do you expect, Bella? We need our mother to referee our baseball games. What's worse is that our _father_ plays with us, and we still need Esme to referee. Of course, that's because Carlisle cheats just as badly. Never play monopoly with that man; it's an exercise in torture. There has yet to be a game invented that we, the Cullens, can't cheat at."

"Why didn't you want to win the bet properly?" Bella asked, flummoxed. "What's the point if you just cheat?"

"I was all for honest sportsmanship and goodwill and everything," Alice replied. "But Emmett convinced us to sabotage them – he couldn't stand the idea of the bet going on."

"I thought he was used to losing?" Bella asked.

"Losing bets, yes. Going for a long period of time without contact with Rosalie, no." Alice leaned forward eagerly. "Rosalie took the 'no sex' thing and ran with it. She wouldn't let him touch her. She acted as if he had rabies."

Bella laughed. She hoped Emmett was out of hearing range while they gossiped about his relationship woes. That certainly wouldn't be a good memory for him.

"She actually got really enthusiast about it," Alice recalled. "She liked being an independent woman. They had a 'fake breakup', although they pretended for Carlisle and Esme's benefit that it was real, since we were keeping the entire situation a secret from them."

Finally, she was hearing details again. Damn Edward for teasing her and then snatching the story away at the last second.

"What on earth are you talking about?"

Bella cringed. What rotten luck. Two days in a row and Rosalie had walked in on her when she would much prefer Edward's other sister to be far away. Preferably on another continent far away – when were she and Emmett leaving for Africa again?

Alice rolled her eyes and turned around to face her sister, who was standing in the doorway and glaring down at them. "What does it look like we're talking about, Rosalie? Makeup? Which boy at school has the best hair?"

_Edward, _Bella answered mentally. He had wild, silky hair that was just asking to have hands run through it. He also had long, thick eyelashes that made half the girls at school jealous because they couldn't even get the effect with mascara. Actually, now that she thought of it, Edward was probably prettier than most of the girls at school.

Really, he was probably prettier than her too.

Bella blinked back to reality when Alice waved a hand in front of her face.

"Earth to Bella, please stop contemplating naughty acts with Edward and return your attention to the here and now, thank you."

Bella must have spent half a minute stuttering indignant protests and looking like a complete idiot before Alice finally sighed and covered her mouth with one cool hand.

"Finished?" Alice waited for her to nod before removing her hand. "I was joking, Bella. Although you have gone a lovely shade of red – did I hit too close to home?"

Round two of the awkward stuttering commenced, as Bella tried to tell Alice off and give her an explanation at the same time.

Alice laughed, clapping her hands and beaming like she had found a new toy. "You're too funny, Bella!"

Huffing, Bella glared at her sulkily. "Where did Rosalie go?"

"She left while you were lost in your Edward-induced daze," Alice replied. "She just wanted to borrow a belt of mine."

Good thing it was a belt, since Bella found it highly unlikely that Alice owned anything else that would fit Rosalie, what with her being four foot nothing and Rosalie looking like a statuesque runway model.

"So, where were we?" Alice grinned. "Oh yes, Emmett's lack of physical contact with Rosalie. He was like a drug addict in need of a fix. Oh! And when the rest of the school thought that Rosalie had dumped him in favor of Edward because they were spending so much time together, it was hilarious! His reaction was – Bella?"

Bella felt her smile freeze on her face and then fall away as though it had never been. She wasn't sure she wanted to listen to this story anymore. "His reaction was what?" Her voice sounded dull, all her previous enthusiasm forgotten.

Alice blinked. "A lot like that, actually."

"Oh. Okay." Bella nodded slowly, feeling a little ill. "I'm just…going to go away now. Thank you for telling me about this very…amusing…thing. Yes."

In any other situation, the bewildered look on Alice's face would have been funny.

***

She was being completely stupid.

Rosalie was his sister, and whatever the rest of their schoolmates thought, the Cullens were not that type of family.

Bella was being insecure, and needlessly jealous. She realized this. She realized this was an overblown reaction, but that didn't stop her from wanting some darts to throw at a picture of Rosalie, or maybe even an effigy to burn. Or a voodoo doll to poke with needles and cut hair off like she would a Barbie doll.

Bella imagined cutting off all of Rosalie's hair. It would never grow back, being a vampire and all. However, Bella was not that petty. Truly.

Yes. No matter how fabulous it would be to live in a world with a bald Rosalie.

Sometimes it was amazing to realize that this year she would be turning eighteen. She certainly didn't feel like an adult right at this moment.

Alice poked her head around the door, peering into Edward's room, where Bella had curled herself sulkily into a little ball on his couch. "Bella? I'm sorry if I upset you."

"It's not your fault." Bella sighed. "I'm just being…stupid."

"Yes, just a bit," Alice agreed. _Such_ a supportive friend – truly, it was amazing that Alice didn't have lines of people queuing up, impatiently waiting for a chance to be her friend, such a comforting presence she had. "I mean, Edward and Rosalie? You're taking your insecurities a bit far. If any of us in the family are really siblings, it's them."

"They didn't…act like that while the bet was on, did they?" That was Bella's main concern. It had quickly occurred to her that Edward might not want her to know about everything that happened because he and Rosalie had been overly _affectionate_ with each other.

"Ah, no." Alice looked a bit sick at the very idea. Bella could sympathize. "Very much no. We all would have fallen over dead on the spot. Well, more dead, anyway."

Bella nodded and took a deep breath. "Okay. I'm over it."

"Really?" Alice asked doubtfully.

She glared. "Give me a second, would you?"

A couple more calming breaths and Bella felt like she was in the middle of yoga or one of those other ridiculous classes her mother had taken to trying. Admittedly, she did feel more composed.

And more embarrassed over her reaction.

"Please don't tell Edward."

"Cross my heart," Alice promised. "He'll never know that you thought he had some kind of affair with Rosalie, who he thinks of as a very trying sister and who he _rejected_ when Carlisle first made her – for him. Something which you all ready knew."

"Yes, okay." Bella crossed her arms and shuffled on the couch, embarrassed. "My reaction was overwrought, unnecessary and completely ridiculous. Anything else?"

"One thing." Alice let out a short laugh. "Now I'm done."

Bella scowled. "Wow. I feel so much better, thank you for all your support."

"I know what will cheer you up," Alice said, grinning. "Emmett's first plan to sabotage Edward and Rosalie involved Rosalie's Ferrari Testarossa – and him and Jasper in the garage with a toolbox."

Bella uncurled herself and sat up straight. "Tell me more."

The Cullen family truth that Alice never lost a bet may have been in doubt, but the fact that one did not mess with Rosalie and Edward's cars was so completely irrevocable that it might as well be put down in the bible as the eleventh commandment.

It looked like the story was about to get very interesting.

* * *

**Next chapter we delve into the mind of Alice, and learn why Jasper should never be given the reins to plot things. Thanks to everyone who has favorited this story - drop me a line and say hello, reviews are always appreciated and responded to.**

Now we are back to Bella, who faces a reticent Edward, a well-meaning Charlie and annoys the heck out of Alice...


	4. If You Can't Stand The Heat Cheat

**Disclaimer: There are many differences between me and Stephenie Meyer. One of which is that if I ever wrote a series about vampires, I'd never be able to take myself seriously if I made them sparkle. Thus, the Twilight Series does not belong to me. I am merely playing in her treehouse, and I promise not to shove her characters out and laugh as they fall.**

**Thanks to everyone who reviewed, you guys are still more awesome than pie. Thanks to the beta, Ledybug, and to Alisa, both of whom help me out of my outrageously insecure ways.**

* * *

_The Cullen family truth that Alice never lost a bet may have been in doubt, but the fact that one did not mess with Rosalie and Edward's cars was so completely irrevocable that it might as well be put down in the bible as the eleventh commandment. _

_It looked like the story was about to get very interesting. _

Chapter Four: If You Can't Stand the Heat – Cheat

_October 11__th__, 1985_

When you could see the future, things could get very confusing, very quickly. Alice had never known any other way to live, and managed to cope with the sometimes troublesome mix of time in her head without a lot of trouble.

She did this with mental folders and labels. Her mind was filled with things labeled 'now', 'soon', 'later', 'ages away', 'will never happen', 'inevitable', 'in doubt', 'might have been', 'miscellaneous' and there was even a growing folder filled with 'past', which was Alice's favorite. Of course, her obsession with labels had carried over somewhat into her everyday life, and the invention of the Post-It note had brought her just as much joy as some of her larger shopping excursions.

Edward, with his gift, was the only member of her family who really understood how Alice's mind worked, and he tolerated her attacks on his clothing with the adhesive notes gracefully (and with some rather sarcastic replies). It was quickly becoming something of a tradition between them, and Alice was sure she was single-handedly keeping the production of the Post-It note going.

Seeing the future was as much a part of her as Edward's telepathy, Jasper's empathy and Rosalie's supreme bitchiness. Unlike Edward and Jasper, Alice could not remember a time when she had not had her gift (Alice highly doubted that becoming a vampire had changed Rosalie from a sweet, innocent wallflower into Her Most Royal Haughtiness). If her ability was taken from her, Alice would feel as disabled as if someone had taken her sight or hearing.

Sometimes she wondered how people who couldn't see the future managed to prevent themselves from walking into walls.

Be that as it may, sometimes her visions could be highly annoying. It was all well and good for her to go searching around for something deliberately, but occasionally her gift decided to interrupt her present and butt in with something – sometimes something that Alice couldn't care less about. Or something she would rather not know.

There would never be surprise presents for her. The moment any member of her family tried it, her gift jumped in like an overprotective dog, barking and yapping away and letting her know in much detail that someone was trying to pull one over on her.

But, unlike what some (Rosalie) suggested, Alice did not walk around with her mind firmly stuck in the future. Thus, once her little brother had firmly closed the door on her attempts to see the outcome of the bet, Alice was resolved to keep it that way, and let herself be caught up in the game.

Walking through the halls of Colchester High School, Alice decided it was completely worth the blindness to experience the comments and theories first-hand rather than in her head. With a wide smile, she skipped towards the cafeteria to let her brother and husband know of the latest gossip concerning the Cullen family.

She gathered a tray of food that would be binned at the end of lunch, uneaten, and made her way to the far side of the cafeteria, where Emmett and Jasper were sitting. "Do you want to know the latest rumors?"

Neither Jasper nor Emmett was surprised when she appeared behind them, worming her way between them at the table they shared. On Tuesday, the day after they made the bet, the students at Colchester High had been stunned when lunchtime rolled around and the Cullen family sat at two separate tables. Tongues had been wagging about the reasons for this disruption of normalcy all week. Now it was Friday and the pace of gossip had barely slowed.

Emmett, who was growing more and more irritable the longer Rosalie spent avoiding all contact with him, scowled and poked at his lunch. "No."

"The most popular one is that Rosalie dumped one adopted brother for the other." Alice grinned and made a display of playing with her own food. "Apparently our family is very daytime soap opera."

"I say no and she tells me anyway," Emmett muttered, before lifting his gaze across the room to where Edward and Rosalie were sitting, Edward reading a book and Rosalie filing her nails. "It's sickening."

"It is," Alice agreed, with a thoughtful nod. "But don't worry, Emmett. It would never work out. There's not enough room for both their egos in one relationship."

Rosalie glanced up, one brow raised. Alice grinned brightly at her composed sister, who waited until Emmett had looked away before rolling her eyes as if to say, 'C_an you believe him?'_

They may have been on different sides of the bet, but there were some things you just needed a sister for.

***

Watching Edward and Rosalie be civil to each other was as fascinating as observing a particularly gory car accident.

Unfortunately, extensive observation had yielded little in the way of knowledge of any sort of impending blowup between the two. Edward and Rosalie seemed perfectly content to spend all their time together peacefully.

It was unnerving. It was wrong. It was driving poor Emmett completely loopy.

"They've been taken over by Pod People, that's the only explanation." Emmett was pacing around the living room, and had been sharing theory after theory for the last hour, ever since Edward and Rosalie had gone hunting together of their own free will.

"They're just trying to win the bet," Alice replied, sighing. She redirected her gaze from Emmett, who was turning in furious little circles and making her dizzy. Her eyes landed on Esme's new picture frame, which had been presented to her upon her return home. Rosalie and Edward had smiled like cherubs, apologizing and handing over the new frame and, oddly enough, the old one glued back together with a little note stuck on it.

Alice had no idea what the note had said, but by the expression on Esme's face, it had been hysterical. The old frame and the note now had pride of place by Esme's bedside, and the incident had never been brought up again. Really, that should have been their first warning that Rosalie and Edward were going to be formidable opponents.

"We never specified that they had to spend every single moment together," Emmett argued, whirling around and glaring at her. He had been very tense for the last few days, and was not behaving at all like the amiable behemoth that Alice was used to.

"I'm pretty sure they aren't Pod People, Emmett." Nor were they possessed by demons or replaced by evil twins, his previous two theories. Poor Emmett was struggling to get someone panicked enough to stop the bet without him having to lose his dignity. It didn't take a psychic to know that Pod People was not the best way to do this.

Emmett remained unmoving for a moment, unresponsive, before he jerked his head and resumed pacing. "Drugs! They're on drugs!"

"Oh sweet Lord, why won't he stop?" Alice buried her face in her hands and let out a growl, before lifting her head and refocusing on Emmett. "They can't be on drugs, Emmett. We're vampires, remember? We can't get high."

Emmett paused and appeared to be processing this new nugget of knowledge, trying to make it align with his own personal worldview. Then he raised his eyes to ceiling, where above them Jasper was reading in Carlisle's study, and shouted, "Jazz! Get down here, I need your expertise!"

Nothing good was going to come from Jasper getting involved with the conversation, Alice could tell. An image of the future pushed at the edge of her vision, demanding attention. She saw a couple of flickers of Jasper and Emmett in the garage, before she shoved it aside as Jasper entered the room, cocking his head curiously.

Jasper glanced between them; taking in Emmett's worked up form and her own irritable expression. "What's going on?"

"Can vampires get high?" Emmett asked.

It was clearly the last thing her husband had been expecting. He blinked and gave her a brief, searching look, but Alice could only shrug. Rubbing at his head, Jasper frowned at Emmett. "I'm not sure I'm the right person to be asking about this. Wouldn't Carlisle be better?"

"What the hell would Carlisle know about it?" Emmett demanded, as if the suggestion was the most outrageous thing he'd heard in his long life.

Alice saw Jasper visibly snap his mouth shut on a reflexive reply. She knew him well enough to guess that he was most likely about to question whether Emmett had been dropped on his head as a child.

"Emmett…Carlisle is a doctor," Jasper replied slowly, giving Emmett time for the words and their meaning to sink in. "He knows more about narcotics and vampire physiology than I do."

Emmett was regarding Jasper as though the other was several pages behind him, in a completely different book. "Jazz, Carlisle has never eaten anyone. He can't tell me anything practical."

"I'm not sure I'm following," Jasper admitted with a frown. It was the understatement of the century. Alice wasn't even following, and she was about two sentences ahead of them both. The conversation wasn't getting any clearer the second time around.

"I'll say this slowly so you understand, alright?" Emmett sighed, shaking his head. Jasper took a deep, calming breath and grinded his teeth together. They would be wrestling tonight. Emmett and Jasper couldn't seem to have a prolonged, serious conversation without needling each other. "Obviously, vampires can't use needles to inject stuff, and inhaling has no effect on us. Does eating a human that's high make a vampire high?"

Jasper closed his eyes and seemed to be wishing he was very far away from the conversation. "What exactly brought his up, Emmett? Is there some kind of reason you want to know?"

"Jazz, don't go all quiet on me now. Your previous eating habits are nothing to be ashamed of. We all know you must have eaten somebody who was complete doped up. We're not going to hold it against you." Emmett said this very earnestly, which was just making Jasper all the more agitated.

Alice interrupted before Jasper could leap across the room and knock Emmett through the wall. "He thinks Edward and Rosalie are on drugs."

"How did you reach that conclusion?" Jasper shook his head rapidly when Emmett opened his mouth to reply. "Never mind, I'd rather not know. And in answer to your question – it's completely irrelevant because neither of them hunt humans."

"Maybe their deer are spiked," Emmett murmured, spinning around and starting his trek around the living room to contemplate this new idea.

"Or, this is just how they are when they get along," Jasper suggested.

"Or, it's their minds on drugs," Emmett returned stubbornly.

"I don't think it's them who are on drugs." Jasper said dryly.

Esme appeared on the second floor landing, observing them curiously. "What's this about drugs?"

Emmett jumped on the opportunity to further spread his theory. "I hate to tell you this, Esme, but I have reason to believe that Edward and Rosalie are doing drugs."

"That's not possible, Emmett." Their mother broke the news softly, in the kindest voice possible, lest their unhinged brother become violent. Or at least that's what Alice liked to think, anyway.

"Have you not noticed the strangeness of their behavior this week?" Emmett asked incredulously. Alice sent him a warning look, hoping she could quell him before he spilled anything that they had agreed to keep secret. As far as Esme and Carlisle were aware, Rosalie and Emmett were going through a 'rough patch' and that was the only unusual thing going on in the household.

"What do you mean? The fact that they're getting along?" Esme descended the stairs, heading towards the downstairs office. "It's not that strange. This isn't the first time it's happened."

The three of them remained in shocked silence as Esme retrieved one of her planning books. She raised her eyebrows when she left the office and saw them standing in exactly the same positions she had left them in.

Alice licked her lips, feeling the strangest sensation – it was almost like she was experiencing the feeling of being tricked. "What do you mean, Esme?"

"Well, before Emmett came along they were each other's company, weren't they?" Esme replied, shrugging lightly and starting back up the stairs. "They had to learn how to get along fairly quickly. They managed, although they both prefer to deal with each other in small doses. Obviously, with the problems you two have been having, Emmett, Rose is confiding in Edward. They must have gotten over some of their antagonism after the incident with my picture frame…"

Esme disappeared, back to her work, leaving behind three very stupefied vampires.

"We're going to lose," Emmett said, in a deadened voice. "Alice is going to lose a bet. Rose and Edward are getting along. The world is coming to an end and mice have settled on the moon."

"Mice have settled in your brain," Alice retorted. "And I don't lose bets when it's just _me_ making them."

"Something must be done," Emmett said, ignoring Alice entirely and turning beseechingly to Jasper. "Jazz, my favorite brother, you have to help me! We can't lose this bet – it's time to sabotage them."

Alice shook her head despairingly. "Unbelievable. You can't even last a week without sex. That's pathetic."

"It's not the sex!" Emmett glared at her. "Rose won't even touch me. She looks at me like I'm a leper. I can't not touch Rose. She's _Rose._"

"And they're Edward and Rosalie – they'll fight eventually," Alice replied, shrugging. "We'll just have to wait, patiently."

"This was a stupid idea," Emmett said, looking halfway to wringing his hands in worry. "I can't believe it. 'Patient', she says. 'We have to be patient'. Yeah, sure – us, patient, like that'll ever happen. Who are the patient siblings again? Oh right, _Edward and Rose!_"

Alice threw her hands up in the air. "Just give up then!"

Emmett turned back to Jasper, who had been watching their little exchange in amusement. "Jazz, come on – pride is on the line."

"You get to have sex with Rose if we give up," Alice helpfully informed Emmett.

Jasper turned insulted eyes on her. "Alice, pride!"

Men were all the same. Alice crossed her arms and glared up at them. "Just so you know, I'm keeping my gift closed on this bet – I don't care what happens anymore."

Emmett snorted. "Sure you don't. Come on, Alice. If they win this, they're never going to let you - or us - live this down. I refuse to lose a bet to my wife and my baby brother!"

It would be incredibly annoying to have Edward constantly holding this incident over her head for the next few decades. Not to mention all the grief she'd get from _Rosalie_. Alice wavered. It wasn't like they didn't cheat at everything else. Surely it was expected, an unspoken rule of the Cullen family. Thou shall cheat when the going gets tough?

They could see her indecision clearly in her eyes. Jasper nodded at her proudly, and Emmett grinned and rubbed his hands together eagerly.

"Okay, let's begin 'Operation: Make Rose and Edward Fall Out of Like'."

***

By the time Edward and Rosalie returned from their hunting trip, plans A through G suggested by Emmett had been vetoed by Jasper, who was treating the situation as if it were a military campaign, not a simple attempt to make their siblings fight.

He had strategy books open. He was drafting little maps and diagrams. He was grinning like a fiend and feeding off Emmett's excitement.

He was as cracked as Emmett, and both of them were far too gone for Alice to suggest anything rational.

As much as Jasper loved his scholarly pursuits and philosophy books, he had clearly missed strategizing and preparing for war.

Alice was sure that it was unusual for Sun Tzu's _The Art of War _to be consulted when one was planning to sabotage ones siblings. She just didn't have the heart to tell Jasper that. He would look at her with hurt, puppy dog eyes, and Alice would feel lower than low. It was better to indulge him and attempt to curtail the worst of the resulting over-the-top plots that her usually level-headed husband thought up.

When Rosalie and Edward entered the house, all of Jasper's books were hidden, and they were all carefully thinking about things completely unrelated to sabotage, their siblings, and the bet.

_Good time?_ Alice thought, smiling brightly at Edward as he followed Rosalie towards the stairs. He nodded briefly at her and continued on his way. Alice frowned. All this week her time with Edward, which was usually plentiful, had been cut down. He was spending every moment with Rosalie and although Alice knew that it was because of the bet, she couldn't help but feel disgruntled that her sister had been thoroughly monopolizing her brother's time.

Alice was Edward's favorite sister, and she wasn't going to let that position go without a fight. Perhaps ending the bet prematurely wouldn't be entirely a bad thing…

Rosalie turned to Edward at the top of the stairs. "We'll get changed and go out to the garage – you can play with the Testarossa's engine while I work on the Mustang, all right? Be careful with it."

Edward nodded and they separated. Alice turned to Emmett and Jasper and found them smiling as if they'd discovered El Dorado. Alice closed her eyes and cringed. _Oh dear God, not the cars._

She sat in jittery silence as they waited for Edward and Rosalie to reappear and head off to the garage. She was almost vibrating with nerves when Emmett and Jasper gathered around a new piece of paper. "Please, tell me you aren't planning to do anything to the cars."

"Would you like the truth or the lie?" Jasper asked, as he drew a little sketch of Rosalie's beloved Testarossa.

"Nothing good will come from this," Alice said, moaning softly at the thought of what Rosalie would do if they damaged the Testarossa. It was Rosalie's new baby, and she had only recently stopped obsessively cleaning it and keeping it covered with a sheet when not in use. It was no doubt a huge step for her to allow Edward a chance to get under the hood, and there would be an explosion of Vesuvius proportions if anything should happen to it.

It was the perfect way to make Rosalie forget the bet and rip into Edward.

The only problem was that it was unlikely for Edward to still be alive afterwards.

***

As if fate was intervening, the perfect moment for sabotage presented itself later that night. Esme was once again travelling, this time to Paris for some inspiration for her newest designs. Rosalie had jumped at the chance to go for the weekend. Edward was dropping them off at the airport.

Jasper, Emmett and Alice were left alone in the house, since Carlisle was still at the hospital. Temptation was right in front of them, and Alice was simply not big enough to stop both Jasper and Emmett from immediately rushing off to the garage.

She followed to try and prevent the worst from happening.

It was a very scary thing to enter the garage and be confronted with Jasper and Emmett poised over the Testarossa, a large toolbox between them, and huge smirks on their faces. Alice approached warily. "What are you going to do?"

"Completely wreck the engine," Jasper explained, "and make it look like Edward didn't know what he was doing."

"Rosalie is going to be pissed," Alice reminded them. "She'll kill you if she ever finds out you did it."

"Hopefully she'll think it was Edward and kill him," Emmett replied cheerfully, bending down to open the toolbox.

"Do you really want to wish an enraged Rosalie on my favorite little brother?" Alice asked her husband, in one last-ditch effort to save said favorite little brother from certain doom. Cheating to win a bet was one thing, but irreparably ruining the engine of Rosalie's new Ferrari was a death sentence.

Jasper gave her a serious look. "There are always casualties in war, Alice."

"Fine," Alice replied_. _"But I'd just like to remind you that if any permanent damage is done to my _favorite _little brother, I shall reveal all to Rosalie and then help her take you both apart, and then while you're in pieces, we will burn certain parts of your anatomy beyond repair, thus rendering you both neutered. How's that for a casualty of war?"

Emmett winced, and Jasper gave her a tight, pained look. "We have to do this, Alice. I was a Major in the Confederate army, I will not lose. Besides, our pride is on the line."

"Your balls, too," Alice reminded them, before shrugging and watching as they opened the hood of the Ferrari. "I think I'm going to regret going along with this."

Jasper leaned down, spanner in hand, and began loosening something down near the bottom of the engine. Alice leaned over curiously to watch. A few seconds later, Jasper straightened and smiled triumphantly. "There. Done."

"That's it?" Alice asked skeptically. To be honest, she had been expecting them to take a mallet to the engine and start denting it.

Jasper nodded and closed the hood. "That's it. We can't make it obvious that it wasn't Edward, but this will cause a lot of damage, trust me."

Alice flinched. If he was right, and Jasper tended to be right, then Rosalie was not going to be happy when this 'damage' occurred.

Jasper and Emmett high-fived each other and went back to the house, leaving Alice behind to stare at the poor victim of their torture.

The Testarossa sat gleaming, looking completely undisturbed. Alice was beginning to fear that that Jasper and Emmett would be successful, and Rosalie would hit a level of anger that no one had ever seen before.

Alice sighed. _I tried, Edward, truly._

She wondered if there would be time to convert the basement into a bomb shelter before the full force of Mount Rosalie's eruption descended.

* * *

**Vesuvius is the volcano that erupted and destroyed Pompeii, in Roman times.**

**Next chapter - Esme pwns all, Bella is triumphant, and Alice is on Team Bella...**

**Oh, and the return of Charlie. Because he keeps forcing his way in.**

**Reviews are appreciated, those who have taken the time so far deserve more thanks than I can give in this little space. You all rock. **


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